Recently, Cornbread and I have been talking about enjoying our journey - rather than focusing so hard on what we hope the end result of the journey is. I feel like this is something I need to work on in so many areas of life. Of course there is the seemingly constant struggle of our financial/Edward Jones journey - I feel like that is a continual process of one step forward and two steps back. Once we get a few months of stepping forward, we're reminded that - HEY! HEEYYY! This isn't so easy. You're not going to get off that easy - you don't get 5 years of struggle and then all of the sudden the struggle is done. You may get a reprieve here and there, but its not over, honey. Lest you think you might be past the hard part, here's a little reminder for you.

And a lot of times, I admit, those reminders make me turn to God and ask him what the heck is going on. Come on, God? Haven't we had enough? Aren't we over this? Can't we get some relief from THIS particular thing? I mean, really, its getting pretty old right about now. And by the way... what are we doing wrong?

But I have so many areas where I need to learn to live in the moment and enjoy the journey rather than focus on my anticipated end result. Hasn't that been my biggest challenge of parenthood? If you go back through all of the years of writing I've done, I find this struggle over and over and over. Wanting some freedom from the dependence of my children. Wanting to be free of feeling like I'm being smothered. Wanting some time for myself. Wanting them to grow up a little quicker because I know that as soon as they are all "these" ages, life will be easier. Its all right there in black and white - my ever present struggle. Not that I don't love my kids and love their ages, for the most part, but my struggle with being so highly depended on, while needing time to myself.

That journey has gotten exponentially easier... all three of my girls are pretty independent. I don't feel so smothered all the time anymore. Life IS easier in that regard. But right now-summer- is always difficult because of the lack of routine and the need to cart around 3 extra people in order to do anything and the boredom that they feel at times. So my continual struggle THIS summer is to enjoy each day instead of counting down the days until this thing or that thing. Luckily for me, we have quite a few plans for the summer so its broken up really well into 2 or 3 week segments until the next big family even occurs. That DOES makes summer-as-a-whole easier, but I still need to stop and enjoy the journey of getting there.

The journey - in all of our areas - is where the growth takes place, not the end result. It is the journey that is teaching our family to choose fun, free, family activities that build relationships rather than spending money to do stuff that occupies our time, but does not contribute to our family bond in a significant way. It is in the journey where Cornbread and I are learning to be dependent on an unseeable, sometimes seemingly distant God. One whomI feel like I'm constantly trying to convince that we are worthy of his blessings (I know that is bad theology... not talking theology here, but honestly relaying my feelings). In our journey - not the ambiguous end result - we continually have to offer our budget, our finances, our spending, our desires and thoughts to him and lay them and ourselves at his feet and stop giving him our options on how to solve the problems we think we have. It is in the journey that we learn that we have absolutely no control over any of this, so why are we holding so tightly to the idea that we can do it ourselves?

I feel like I've written this post over and over and over throughout the years. Its a lesson that I need to learn again and again. When I was a teenager, my parents used to tell me what they said went in one ear and out the other... THIS lesson feels exactly like that - it goes in one chamber of my heart and immediately out the other and barely spends enough time there to take hold and change me.

I have good intentions. I want to be like this, but somehow I ALWAYS get distracted.

Yesterday, in an effort to enjoy the journey of having small, but big kids, I brought them to the store and we got items to make root beer floats. Cost me all of $5 and it was exciting and fun and special. And I made sure that I didn't just make the floats and walk away while they enjoyed them... I didn't make one for myself, but I sat with them while they had theirs. This is a step in the right direction for me.

Today, instead of picking up my house, I am sitting outside, enjoying the beautiful weather, giving myself the absolute worst, messiest pedicure in the history of pedicures and later I will take the girls swimming at FFFN and maybe I'll actually get into the pool with them in an effort to enjoy THEM (I hate swimming in above ground pools). These are not big things, but it doesn't matter... its the art of enjoying life and what we DO have that matters.

I've struggled, this summer, with being a fully present and non-dismissive mom. I've been distracted, dismissive, selfish, and sometimes rude and snotty to my kids. And after recognizing that and trying to turn it around, I've realized how much happier I am when I am fully present in their lives and when I am intentional in my parenting and relationships with them.

Here's to a joyful and enjoyable July and August!

complacent

Friends of ours are adopting a little girl from Ethiopia. They've gotten her picture, they're loving her from here. I try, but I can't imagine how it must feel to know that your child is across the world and you want to hold her and love her, but because of this thing or that thing in their government, you have to wait. And wait. And wait. They will be traveling to Ethiopia to go through the court process - they will meet her and hold her and love her and then they will leave her and go back a few months later to pick her up. Can you imagine?

We were with them last night. He had been to Uganda on a mission trip earlier this year. She has been passionate about helping orphans in this world for several years. They are committed to helping those who are unable to help themselves. He was telling us about how difficult it was to come back to this life of extravagance after being there, where running water is a luxury. He took a Ugandan man to Walgreen's a couple of weeks ago and he was in awe and told our friend that everything you could ever want was right in that store... Our friend was looking at the same items in disgust.

Its about perspective, right?

I'm frustrated that we don't have more money to give. That we WANT to give, but we just don't have it to give. Sometimes I ask God: "Why did you give us generous hearts, but not the means to be generous?"

And then I look around at all of this STUFF in this house.

Socrates - "The unaware life is not worth living."

How do I keep myself aware in all areas of my life? In terms of: not accumulating more? being fully present for my girls? not being envious of what others have that I can't have? not being bitter and resentful about not being able to live the way I WANT to live? not being grateful for what I do have? wondering when it is going to be our turn? wondering why the breaks don't seem to swing our way? How do I fall so quickly into complacency?

He said something last night that really resonates with me: after seeing their lives and how they live, he realizes that talking about and arguing about and debating about politics (or anything, really, we just happened to be talking about politics at that moment) just doesn't matter. Its all about living for God and doing what we can for his glory. Its about being more successful so we can give more - not live more. We live comfortably. We have all the food we could ever want, all the clothes, all the heat, a/c, water, etc. Others don't.

My burden this morning, is figuring out how I and my family need to change to become more aware.

Summer Regional 2010 - Day 4

Sunday morning reminded me why I do not drink a lot or very often. Ugh. A couple of hours of sleep, a headache, dehydration. Ugh. It was rough, but when the kids are involved you don't get the option of giving in and laying in bed for the morning. Its fine - I wouldn't want to waste my day like that anyway. We got up, got everyone ready and went to breakfast.

Our waterpark passes were good for the entire day, so we had decided ahead of time to take our time getting home. We went back to the waterpark after breakfast and then went back to our room for lunch and to pack up. We checked out, packed up the car and went over to mini golf place across the street. The girls had never mini-golfed and I think that it was possibly the cutest thing I'd ever seen. Between Skipper trying to figure out how to hold the club properly and Bugly doing whatever she wanted and Peek trying to size up the course and figure out the best shot, they were all adorable.

Until the 2nd hole.

Bugly was walking along the hole border like a balance beam and lost her balance and fell and hit her head on a large landscaping rock. I ran over and picked her up and laid her on my lap. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head and she seemed to start shaking a little bit. I immediately began to flip out, Cornbread, came and grabbed her from me and she came to and started crying. I continued to flip out and told him I didn't know what to do - I didn't know what any of that meant and we were out of town and I just had no clue what to do. Thankfully, our 8 year old had the presence of mind to run to the little shop and ask for help. The girlfriend of the owner happens to be a nurse and she came over and very calmly told us that she'd be okay and that we could take her to the hospital or they could call an ambulance. We opted to bring her ourselves to get her checked out.

Interestingly, even now she does not have a bump, a scrape or anything on her head to indicate that she hit it on anything. She has a scrape on her upper arm, but nothing on her head. The doctor at the ER determined that she was perhaps more dazed after it happened than actually unconscious. He felt she was completely fine, but advised us of what behavior to look for over the next 24 hours to indicate it was necessary for her to be seen again. He gave her some princess stickers, put a bandage on her arm and sent us on our way. It was the fastest er visit we've ever had.

When we got back in the car, we all decided that we'd like to go back and finish our mini-golf game. And even though Bugly had no desire to continue the game, she was willing to go back and hang out with us while we did. The owners were thrilled to see that she was okay and they gave us some coupons for free games and gave each of the girls a free slushie. It was a fun afternoon, but between the two younger girls, I think they were determined to have the owner hand the place over to us... Bugly kept walking on the edges of things and losing her balance, Skipper kept tripping over her own feet (in typical Skipper fashion).

We grabbed some ice cream after the game and made our way home. I figured they'd all sleep the whole way home, but I think Bugly slept for about 20 minutes and that was it. No one slept for the rest of the trip.

I am so happy that we brought the girls with us this year. We had a wonderful time with them and having them there did not change my experience at all - with the exception of not being able to go out running whenever I wanted, but I can handle that. These regional trips are just one of the huge perks that Cornbread has with his job. I am so grateful that we get these opportunities. But not only these mini vacations and the diversification trips, but he works for a company that has a philosophy that if you do what is best for your customer, success will follow. Ted Jones wrote an incredible letter to Sam Walton (of Walmart & Sam's Club) in response to Sam Walton telling him that if he sold his firm, he could be the richest man in America. Ted Jones responded by saying he already was the richest man in America.

“I have a wife who loves me in spite of all my faults. I have four dogs. Two love only me. One loves everybody. One loves no one but is still very loyal. . . . I enjoy my business. I love my farm and my home. I have a few close friends, and money has never been my God."

That is the founding philosophy of this firm. I am so proud to be a part of Edward Jones and I am so grateful that my husband is encouraged to preserve his integrity and character instead of do things to make money at the expense of his clients. I am grateful that he does not have to choose between money and what is right. It has been a difficult journey, but we have never considered abandoning it. We are fortunate and blessed to be a part of this and to take this journey. While it has been hard and sometimes very stressful, it was one of the best decisions we've ever made.