Hide and Seek

"I hide because I don't want to be exposed in my fallenness, my darkness. I hide because I'm afraid if the truth about me is known, I will never be loved. I hide from other people. I hide from God. I hide from truth - in a sense, I hide even from myself." John Ortberg, Love Beyond Reason

I used to be a hider. Not one of those people who hid behind a fake facade. I have to say - I've never been able to be fake or been able to pretend to be someone that I'm not. But I've hidden behind extreme lack of self-confidence and self-esteem.

I still hide behind those barriers sometimes. I still retreat to the quiet, seemingly bitchy place when I'm uncomfortable or feel threatened in any way. I'm beginning to recognize it and I'm beginning to understand that being an introvert does not = being shy, quiet, withdrawn, judgemental, uncomfortable. That is my Imposter. My self-conscious, low self-esteem Imposter. My barrier. My wall of defense.

It was an incredible epiphany for me to realize that.

What do I hide from? Why do I hide?

A few years ago we read a book in our small group called Waking The Dead by John Eldridge. He observed that each and every person in this world is wounded. We all have wounds. Its time for us to recognize our wounds, deal with them and move on. We need the Ultimate Healer to help us deal with them. First, we have to recognize them, acknowledge them and desire to move on.

While I was reading this I thought I was pretty well put together. I mean I have my issues and my weirdities;) like everyone else. But I don't have deep issues that I won't recognize. I haven't had anything major happen in my life that has been a huge negative influencing factor in who I've become. I've got it goin' on.

Wait. Huh. I'm a jerk. Really, seriously... do I honestly believe that I am the ONLY person in this world without wounds?

Got me thinking. Reaching back. Trying to see past myself to find out what my wounds are.

Its pretty obvious after I thought about it long enough. Go back to my grade school diary and its all there - maybe not spelled out exactly, but its there if you read between the lines.

And its still here. And its what I hide from: my feeling that I've never been chosen. At least never been chosen first, or before someone else, or in place of someone else. Maybe I've been settled upon as a last resort... if so and so can't play, or if so and so can't go with me then I'll ask Jana.

Is it truth? Probably not - there really is no way for me to know. But it is part of MY truth. Not the not being chosen thing, but the FEELING like I've never been chosen. To be honest, Cornbread didn't CHOOSE me - we just started hanging out and it eventually turned into more than that. He didn't pursue me or even woo me. We clicked and it was.

And thats what I'm hiding from in uncomfortable situations. The feeling like the people in the situation will not choose me. They won't choose to talk to me. They won't choose to sit by me. They won't choose to be partners with me. They won't choose me. So I hide behind being quiet and unapproachable. When in reality I am a pretty friendly, interested and outgoing person. Yet I hide.

I've been in the process of shutting down my Imposter. It takes work. And it takes thought. Recognition. Intentionality. I have to remember who my Imposter is and that the Imposter is not truth. The remembering is the hardest part - because the Imposter is a natural, habitual response cultivated and perfected over 34 years.

When my brain and soul feel as disordered as they have for the last few weeks, I have a hard time remembering this and I retreat behind my wall of defense. Not intentionally, but naturally. The Imposter needs to put away.

My book list

My friend, Missy, posted her book list this morning and wondered what others are reading and recommending. Thought I would whip up a post of my current reading list, my TO Read list and my Have read list. Beware, this may be LONG - I am a lover of books:)

Currently Reading:

Shantaram - by Gregory David Roberts - my current fiction book, given to me by a friend as a Christmas gift. The story is intriguing as it seems to mirror the author's real life. It is a very thick book and I'm only 4 or 5 chapters into it. The chapters are long, which hinders my reading - I usually only read this at night before I turn out the lights and since I'm training for a race I can hardly get through a page or two before rolling over. I like the book so far and I like the characters. I'm eager to get further into this book.


Love Beyond Reason - by John Ortberg - my current non-fiction book. I'm not far into this one either. I only read a section at a time and am only able to do so a couple of days a week. I WISH my children would sleep a little later in the morning! One thought that I took from this book today: part of loving God is attending to him (which begs the question - what does "attend to" mean?) Also, loving others means paying attention to them and being sincerely interested in them. Thinking about this, mulling it over, trying to figure out how to turn my thoughts/feelings into words and blog about it to perchance work through this a bit. Maybe tomorrow.

Recently Have Read:


Three Cups of Tea - by Gregory Mortenson - given to me by the same friend who gave me Shantaram. Took me a while to really get into this book, but probably a little less than halfway through it I WANTED to read it. Gave me a lot of insight into the middle eastern/arabic culture and the war that we are in in that area of the world. Definitely a thought-provoking book and well worth reading. At one point I thought that if I were in college and had no relationship responsibilities I would drop everything and find Gregory Mortenson and demand that he allow me to work with him. At some point action becomes important rather than considering possible action. He has a passion. He prioritized everything around that passion. He had tunnel vision. He changed (and continues to change) many, many lives. I want passion like that for something.


Abba's Child - by Brennan Manning - oh man did this book take my breath away. The chapter on the Imposter is worth the price of the book in itself. This book spoke loudly to a silent but restless portion of my soul and helped me realize that introverted, extroverted, shy, whatever - those things don't define me. I am beloved. My Imposter is the uncomfortable, somewhat bitchy looking, self-conscious outward facade that shines through in public when I don't know anyone. THAT is not who I am, but the Imposter who covers me and tries to define me. Wow, I can't even put it into good words. This is a must read for me probably every year or so. What an incredibly important book.


God is Closer Than You Think - by John Ortberg - This book gave me a definition of the Contemplative spiritual pathway that I felt like put ME into words. It also provided the idea of: How do we bring Up There down here? Those 4 words come back to me over and over and over. The idea is simple enough for me to reflect on it and remember it often and to ask it over and over and over. How do I bring Up There down here - for my girls? for my husband? for the people I see in the grocery store? for my friends? my family? for the people I pass in life? for my neighbors? Add this to the idea from his book that I listed above that: the main place you do the work of God is as you go along... seeing what Jesus would see and responding as he would - geez John Ortberg, you rock my world (quite literally).

Velvet Elvis - by Rob Bell - Rob Bell makes me wonder. A lot. He has a way of writing that compels me to read more and to think about what I've read. Do I agree or disagree with that statement/paragraph/idea/concept/chapter? I love his writing. I enjoy his books and thinking. He makes me wonder.

To Read:

A New Kind of Christian - by Brian McLaren - apparently Brian McLaren is a pretty heavy hitter in the emergent church movement. I don't really even know what the emergent chruch movement is or what it is about, what I do know is that in my research of a different book written by a Hope College professor there was much criticism of Brian McLaren. If nothing else, this will be a thought provoking book as well.

For Parents Only - by Shaunti Feldhahn - I've read For Women's Eyes Only and enjoyed it. It was a quick read and was insightful about the thoughts and feelings of men - from a purely objective data collection point of view. I'm eager to receive this book and find out if it applies to a parent of young children.

I Was Just Wondering - by Philip Yancey
Disappointment With God - by Philip Yancey
Above All - by Brennan Manning

Going to Reread soon:
Becoming God's True Woman - by Nancy Leigh DeMoss - this is a book worth blogging about. Definitely one where I need to wade through some of it and take what I can from it as I don't agree with the perspective of some of the writers. However, there is a lot of good things in this book and I credit the book with revolutionizing my thinking and understanding of some of the topics covered in the book. Helped me come to a few important decisions in my life and helped me understand my purpose as a wife and a mother a little better. I hope to reread it soon and get some thoughts on here.

What are YOU reading?


With the exception of the two books that I received as gifts, I got all of the books listed via a website called www.paperbackswap.com. I've also gotten many more than I listed here. If you have books that you'd like to get rid of and would like to add to your personal library or begin a personal library I would HIGHLY suggest checking this website out. I got every one of these books for the mere cost of media mail shipping and have been able to rid my home of books that were never going to be read or reread and were taking up space. I'm a HUGE fan of paperbackswap.com! If you'd like to join, let me know - I'd be happy to send you an invite (I think I MIGHT get a credit toward a book if you join via my referral, but I'm not sure).

Prayer

My new non-fiction book is Prayer: Does It Make Any Difference?, by Philip Yancey. In this book he promises to explore whether prayer changes us, God or both. Is God listening? Why should God care about me? Why do prayers go unanswered? Does prayer matter?

I was particularly drawn to this book because I so desire to be a pray-er, yet I struggle so much with it. I go through periods of regular, consistent prayer and then I'll go through a period of very little prayer. Even so, when I am regularly praying I still feel ineffective, stupid, and like I'm basically talking to myself. Fortunately for me (?), Yancey says that most people feel this way.

I want to pray. I want to talk with God. I want to hear from God. But I guess I struggle because I feel like I don't know how to do any of these. I grew up with this prayer: God, be with... In the last few years I've wondered what that means? What does it mean to ask God to "be with" someone? I avoid that phrase as much as possible and now I ask people for specific things to pray for (I guess thats also just me - I have a difficult time dealing in generalities rather than specifics). Sometimes I feel like this presents an awkward situation - like I'm digging for more information or gossip about a person or his/her situation... oh well, at some point I have to get over worrying about what other people *might* be thinking about me and just be me.

Anyway, I want to pray. I want to be aware of God throughout the day and not just during my designated prayer time in the morning. I struggle with that as well - and I even pray about it! Somehow, my mind ends up shutting that out throughout the day. Why? Bugs me - a lot.

I've read the first four chapters of this book and here are some things/quotes that have stood out to me so far:
"We can hardly pray with sincerity, 'Give us this day our daily bread' when the pantry is stocked with a month's supply of provisions."

"...the Lord of the universe has many things to manage, and in the midst of my self-pity I would do well to comtemplate for a moment God's own point of view." This is basically what God reminded Job of. Yancey sites this as an example of how we need to see ourselves from God's point of view - we need to remind ourselves that we are not the center of the universe with everything revolving around us... we are but a tiny speck in the midst of it all. This view brings us a sense of humility - not groveling, self-hate - that is necessary for prayer.

"For most of us... prayer brings no certain confirmation we have been heard. We pray in faith that our words somehow cross a bridge between visible and invisible worlds, penetrating a reality of which we have no proof." I feel this - a lot.

"In order to overcome self-deception, I need God's all-knowing help in rooting out hidden offenses like selfishness, pride, deceit, lack of compassion." This is definitely something I need help with - I think of myself as a good person and actually have a hard time identifying my specific sins rather than acknowledging my sinful nature. I have been working hard at the practice of confession, trying to confess specifics rather asking for a blanket covering (although as Kim and I discussed last time she was here - I hedge my bets and do both:)

Yancey discusses what happens when one has a shallow relationship with another person - it ends up fading or dying off. He also talks about how God wants our authenticity in prayer - the REAL me, not who I think I ought to be. "...unless I level with God - about bitterness over an unanswered prayer, grief over loss, guilt over an unforgiving spirit, a baffling sense of God's absence - that relationship, too, will go nowhere." Ugh. The part that hits me the hardest: God wants the real me rather than who I think I ought to be in his presence. Why is that so hard?

"Who one believes God to be is most accurately revealed not in any credo but in the way one speaks to God when no one else is listening. - Nancy Mairs. That quote took several read-throughs for me to "get it" and now has me thinking about how I talk to God. I wish I talked to God like I talk to Dave or Kim or Cara or Carissa. I don't - how do I get there?

"I have learned to see prayer not as my way of esablishing God's presence, rather as my way of responding to God's presence that is a fact whether or not I can detect it." "God is already present in my life and all around me; prayer offers the chance to attend and respond to that presence." Exactly what I struggle with throughout the day. After reading this, I also realize that I struggle with this during my actual prayer time. I guess there are times that I actually realize God's presence during the day moreso than during my prayer time... seeing the girls learn or see something spectacular for the first time, being awestruck by something in nature, recognizing answered prayer, etc. etc.

"We learn to pray by praying." Ouch. "To begin, I need to think more about God than about myself when I am praying." Double Ouch. Yancey talks about transactional prayers - our wanting God to do stuff for us. So pretty much while I am proud of myself for establishing a regular prayer time (confessing that specific sin: pride), I am humbled by the fact that my prayer time is spent asking God for my perceived needs or wants.

And now I just remembered my reading from I Corinthians 13 this morning: Love thinks of others more than self. How do I become more like this? Less self-absorbed? More other-focused? More God-focused? At a certain level I feel smothered by children, so I feel like I deserve to be self-absorbed about certain things. Like I am owed a personal agenda/schedule and the following through of that rather than anyone else's.

I want to be a person who quietly hopes in the Lord (Lamentations 3:26). Quietly. Hoping. In the Lord.

The Bible Jesus Read - chapter 2: Job

The Bible Jesus Read, by Philip Yancey is my current non-fiction book. I was intrigued by this book because, although I've learned many of the OT stories in school and church, I don't KNOW the old testament and the stories I've learned are slowly fading away. The author makes the point in the first chapter that we don't pay much attention to the OT anymore - we are much more NT focused. He, himself, had little desire to read or dig into the OT and only did so because he was paid to do it.

In this book, he explores four books or sections of the OT: Job, Deuteronomy, Psalms, Ecclesiastes and The Prophets. I am currently reading through the prophets in my Bible time, so I can't wait to get to that section.

Chapter 2 - Job: Seeing in the Dark

I've read Job in the past, but I did not read through the book as I was reading through this chapter...

His basic premise in this chapter is that the book of Job is NOT about suffering, rather it is about faith.

The first two chapters of the book set up the plot of the rest of the book: God and satan discuss this man, Job, and Satan tells God that Job is only faithful because he is rewarded very well for his faith. God disagrees and tells satan that Job is a righteous man whose faith is true. Satan pretty much gives God the Whatever sign, to which God's response is: Okay, do whatever you want to him, but do not harm him. In chapter 2 they have the same conversation and God gives him permission to harm Job, but he must not die.

The middle chapters of the book describe Job's suffering and the conversations he has with his friends. The last chapters hold God's magnificent speech about his power over creation and who is REALLY in control here.

What I took away from this chapter:
* Job's friends used the following logic to explain his suffering: a) God is just and fair - if you sin, God will punish you, if you are righteous God will reward you. Therefore, if you are suffering, you must have an unconfessed sin - repent and God will restore you. Job, however, maintained that he was righteous and blameless and that God was simply being unfair.
Throughout our EJ journey I have held the same reasoning - Why isn't God rewarding us when we have been obedient? Does one of us have an unconfessed sin lurking around that needs to be confessed before we will be taken care of? This book reveals how that reasoning is just false - God doesn't work like that.

* Job questions God. Job cries out in despair and even says scandalous things about God. Job gives up on the idea of God being JUST and FAIR, but he never gives up on God, he never stops believing in God and that God is present in his life - even if he is being totally unfair.
It is okay to question and doubt. God condemns Job for his ignorance of what is going on in the rest of the universe, but he doesn't condemn him for questioning and doubting him. William Safire says: "Human beings are sure to wander in ignorance and to fall into error, and it is better - more righteous in the eyes of God - for them to react by questioning rather than accepting. Confronted with inexplicable injustice, it is better to be irate than resigned."

* Job lives in a limited perspective of what is going on. Yancey says he is only privy to the ingredients of the situation and not the goal, the end result or the play as a whole. Having knowledge only of the ingredients limits his perspective to the point that he IS completely ignorant of what is going on when he questions God. Job sees God as unfair; God sees this as a cosmic battle with his reputation on the line (so to speak). God doesn't even explain himself or give Job reasons for why he is allowing his suffering.
This smacks of me having the following conversation with the girls: "I have much more incentive to win this battle. My job is to raise you to become good, well-functioning grown ups and this small battle is much more important for me to win, than for you - my incentive is greater." In a nutshell, the girls are ignorant of the larger picture and really only see the ingredients of the current situation. Wow, do I feel like that in my own life many times. Hind sight is 20-20, right? How often have I looked back and thought, "Oh. Well Holy Shit. THAT's why this happened." (excuse my profanity, that is exactly what is going through my head.) If only we could be privy to the play as a whole rather than the ingredients - life would make much more sense.

* There is a cosmic battle going on and MY faith, MY decisions make a difference. Quotes from this chapter: " Job presents the astounding truth that our choices of faith matter not just to us and our own destiny but, amazingly, to God himself." "God has given ordinary men and women the dignity of participating in the redemption of the cosmos. He is allowing us, through our obedience to him, to help reverse the pain and unfairness of this world..." "We will never know, in this life, the full significance of our actions here for... much takes place invisible to us."
It is really difficult for me to see or grasp that I matter in the grand scheme of things. It is also difficult for me to grasp that God is not the watchmaker just watching his creation as it winds down. I guess in that respect I sometimes wonder if praying really makes a difference or if life just follows a natural path and if you give it enough time it will all work out. Can prayer change his mind? But then I've experienced having my prayers answered - specifically. WHEN does God step in? Does he really, truly test us - like make things happen to test us - or is it just coincidence when things happen? Combination of both? How do you know which is which? I have a friend who does not believe in tests - his response is that God does not make children die as a way to test the parents. However, I've had times and experiences that I felt were tests... most recently when our capital campaign pledge was due to increase and we were making less money than before. I felt like the decision to continue our pledge was a test of faith - did we believe that God would provide even in THESE circumstances?
I wish I knew the answer to those questions. I feel like the actual circumstances might be a bit easier to deal with and live through if I knew they were a test - "Okay, this is a test, therefore if I choose faith, everything will be okay." Of course after writing that out I think perhaps the best response to anything - test or no test - is faith. Seems kind of like a DUH realization:)

A verse from my OT reading this morning fits very well with this chapter on Job:
Jeremiah 23:35 - "Instead of claiming to know what God says, ask questions of one another, such as 'How do we understand God in this?' But don't go around pretending to know it all, saying 'God told me this...'"
Truly, we have no idea what is going on in the universe as a whole. We have no idea how our actions, our situations affect the spiritual battle that is taking place around us. We have no idea what God's incentive is in allowing whatever is happening to happen... perhaps we are playing the role of Job in this play.

Words Kids Need to Hear - Chapter 7

I Love You

"Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant." - Robert Louis Stevenson

We must not assume that our children know that we love them - silence communicates something entirely different to a child. The idea that "they already know that I love them" is simply wrong - love matters too much to leave it unsaid.

We all aim to love our children unconditionally and want them to know that. However, our inherent desire to feel loved ourselves often prompts us - the parents - to prompt the child to say I love you in response to us saying I love you to them. This does not demonstrate unconditional love. This may seem like a stretch and going a little far, but remember we're talking about the way a child perceives things rather than a rational adult. It is not the responsibility of our children to ensure that we feel loved. Rather the higher goal should be that we hear our children say, "I believe you love me."

Three tips on expressing I love you:
1. Be Clear. "The supreme happiness of life is the conviction we are loved" - Les Miserables
2. Be Deliberate. Make this a part of your routine, daily life.
3. Be Steadfast. Do not stop saying this to your children. Even as they grow up and become more and more independent. Do not stop.

Words Kids Need To Hear - Chapter 6

No.

No is important. No provides clear boundaries rather than the wishy-washy Maybe or I'll think about it. No needs to be clear, needs to be followed through upon, and needs to be serious so our children learn to obey it. This also means that it can't be the only thing out of a parent's mouth. Saying No too often leads to a desensitized kid who thinks the word is meaningless. Saying Yes is also important because a parent's approval of something is much more appreciated when there was actually a possibility of No.

Three Reasonable Responsibilities -

1. Be the Adult, Care Too Much: Basically, I care too much to allow you to cross this boundary. Testing the boundaries is normal, it is our responsibility as parents to make those boundaries strong and be consistent with enforcing them. "Limit testing really means 'please show me there is someone in my life who will not cave in and surrender every time I creat a test. Please be the adult, so I can relax with being a child.'" (psychologist Chick Moorman - Parent Talk).

2. Be Willing to Do Something: Be consistent, be clear and be swift. If we fail to act until the 9th time we say No, we teach our children that they can ignore the first 8 No's.

3. Know How to Resist: We need to be able to set a limit/boundary and be compassionate and empathetic toward the child while still maintaining the boundary. Just because we are saying NO, does not mean that we have to be heartless about it. Compassion and empathy are important, yet we still need to be clear with our No. "We'll talk about it." or other distracting and wishy-washy responses lead to confusion. Our decisions should not be made based on our fear that our child will not like us - kids will still like us even after we say No.

Words Kids Need to Hear - Chapter 5

Because

"Strong reasons make strong actions" - William Shakespeare

We give our children courage and bravery by providing them with an authentic rationale for why they should believe what we say. We live in a world where people declare their own greatness and they get paid unbelievable amounts of money without really having to prove why they're great or worthy of being paid that amount of money (pro athletes, musicians, actors, etc.) Our children are bombarded with shallow messages in advertising, television, movies, etc. and we need to be their authentic voice of reason telling them WHY they are great and worthy and treasured and believed in. Children are more likely to believe us when we give them reasons and justification for our comments to them.

Challenge:
Write your child a note. On the top of the paper write: "I believe in you because" and list several reasons. Repeat with "You can count on me because" and "I treasure you because". Share this with your child at some point - and allow her to keep the note. Every couple of days reaffirm what you said - "Do you know why I believe in you so much?" And then every couple of months reaffirm your comments.


(while I believe what the gist of the chapter is all about, I have to say this has been a weak chapter in terms of explaining, but did provide many examples. It was difficult to summarize without quoting.)

Words Kids Need to Hear - Chapter 4

I'm sorry, Please forgive me

I'm sorry, please forgive me means being authentic and sincere when asking for the forgiveness of my child - not flippant or offering excuses for that which I'm apologizing. Apologizing and asking for my child's forgiveness - sincerely and authentically - teaches my child to sincerely and authentically apologize and seek forgiveness from others. By receiving this gift from me, she understands what it feels like to be on the other end of it - a take on the Golden Rule. By treating my child with this level of respect I am demonstrating the level of respect that I expect her to have for others... if you want to be respected, you must be respectable.

Important aspects of an apology:
* Humility - everyone messes up and has reasons to apologize. Being able to acknowledge a mistake or an error to my child increases her level of respect for me. I'm sorry means nothing when I'm cornered or forced to say it. Children tend to live by a variation of the golden rule: Do unto others as has been done to me. If I want my children to be humble, sincere, authentic, and able to admit her mistakes to others and take responsibility for those mistakes it is I who needs to teach her what that means and how it feels to be on the other end of it. It is I who needs to show her with my actions that it is important to respect others in that way and that it is important to own up and bear responsibility.
* Making no excuses - this is something that personally drives me crazy... when someone apologizes followed by a "but" or an excuse for his/her behavior. I'm sorry, please forgive me means absolutely nothing when the person goes on to rationalize or justify his/her bahavior. Allowing for a reason for the injustice committed against me. If I am sincere in my desire to seek forgiveness then I don't need to explain to her why I acted the way I did - I was wrong. Period. I accept my wrongness and ask you to understand that I accept it and accept me in return.

In other words...
* apologize out of a sincere and heartfelt desire
* apologize in a timely manner - the apology has less impact the further away from the incident
* speak clearly and concisely
* keep it brief - she'll receive the message if it is brief, the potency of the apology diminishes with every syllable following the apology
* say it no matter what - when a child has been disappointed by an adult he/she may downplay the circumstances or excuse the adult's behavior on his/her own. Even if the child says, "its okay" to your explanation, it is important to apologize.
" Children who hear no such apologies - and instead learn to dismiss the legitimate liability of others - will eventually do the same for themselves. Play that chilling thought out further, and you'll see no-fault kids who grow into adults unable to take responsibility for their own actions. To combat this possibility, apologize early and often and to all to whom it's due." (page 71)

- "to all to whom it's due" = other adults as well. It is just as important for our children to hear us say I'm sorry, please forgive me to other adults.

"How we handle ourselves after our errors forms lasting impressions in their young memories. Someday, they'll recall that picture when they consider whether or noth they want to move closer to God - or to keep their distance... to that end, what example do we set?"

Words Kids Need to Hear - Chapter 3

I treasure you

Kids long to feel special. We can create that feeling by being deliberate and repetative with our "I treasure you" message. It is not about quantifying the child by grades or abilities, but letting her know that she is special because she is - and reinforcing that message often. It is not about congratulations or shallow praise for a job well done, but a message of "If all the girls in the world lined up, I would choose you."

"The treasure message... communicates a high sense of worth - and children who feel worthy are more likely to respect the worth of other people."

Strategies for putting the I treasure you to use:

* Keep it simple. More explanation = less comprehension for a kid. Keep the message real, authentic, sincere and simple and offer it on an ongoing basis and the child will internalize it and believe it about herself.

* Time and Attention - these are time tested ways to fuss over a child without spoiling her. Giving her time - going to a dance recital, a ballgame, a preschool show - and attention - taking the opportunity to really celebrate her success - shows that you are paying attention to her life. An example that the book explains and that our family is going to adopt is the celebration candle.

* Making it Personal - creating personal, shared memories with her signals how much she is worth. Taking personal time with each kid also allows opportunities to say the words she needs to hear - or listen to the words she needs to speak.

Read it

I am on a reading frenzy:) This is normal for me, but hasn't been for the last several months. I have finally made a concerted effort to find time to read stuff that is other than entertainment (which, by the way, I have been reading an AWESOME fiction series. Dave is ahead of me by a few books and we joke that we're both having an affair with the lead character.)

I usually have one non-fiction book going all the time, if not a few at a time. But lately - probably since school began and I've been babysitting - I haven't made an effort to read any non-fiction growth type books. I've come across a few that have peaked my interest and have found a new energy to make time for it... in addition to the fact that the baby has become much easier and much more predictable over the last month.

Tuesday night I decided to start getting up even earlier than I already do in order to fit some devotional reading/work time in. My girls get up between 7-7:30am... I was getting up at 6, working out and then shower and ready to get the morning routine going... it left me with NO alone time. Nick (the baby) is awake while the girls are at school, so on the days that he is here I get no time to myself. None. Not that I'm chained to everyone, but when the girls are awake or around I can't think about anything important - I can't concentrate. So Tuesday, (after having a mini meltdown in the morning) I decided to start getting up at 5am. Its brutal, but so far it has been worth it.

I've also made myself a monthly book schedule. This gives me a goal for finishing my books rather than having a million going at the same time.
February: Words Kids Need To Hear by David Staal
March: Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
April: Designing a Woman's Life
May: Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas

I haven't gotten further in scheduling, but I do have more books to read. I kind of want to alternate between parenting, personal, and marriage related books. Right now my list is basically parenting so I need to find some of the others. Additional books on the list: The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give To My Children (something like that), Parenting: Going from Surviving to Thriving by Chuck Swindoll, Raising Self-Reliant Children in A Self-Indulgent World.

In addition to Words Kids Need to Hear, I just began a 40 day (coinciding with Lent) study with a group of online friends: The Love Dare. This book, apparently, is inspired by or written as a companion to the movie Fireproof (which we have not seen). Every day you are given a love dare - a challenge action that will show your love to your spouse. We are on day 2.

Day 1: Patience - Say nothing negative
Day 2: Kindness - Do an unexpected gesture of kindness

I am doing both days today since I didn't buy the book until last night. And I'm trying to do it for the girls as well as Dave. I'm kind of working through the no negative thing and trying to define that for myself (given Dave's and my propensity for discussions about current events). The challenge for me with the girls is the patience part:) As for day 2... I (unexpectedly) made Dave's lunch this morning and was rewarded with a kiss, a hug, and a sincere thank you.


It feels good to be intentional again. To be reading good stuff again. To be working on myself.

Words Kids Need to Hear - Chapter 2

Chapter 2 - You Can Count On Me

God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

Basically this chapter is about letting our kids know that we will be beside them through the good and the bad. That we will love them and support them through anything. In addition, we are committed to following through on our commitments to them.

From the book:
"Kids handle tough situations better when they kow that in good times and bad, they can count on a parent or other close adult. But count on them for what?"

* To care
* To be present
* To support
* To understand
* To keep commitments

Two practical strategies to communicate "You can count on me":

* Make commitments and keep them
* Partner with kids in activities

"When parental reliability exists, the leap to trusting God becomes an easier step for kids to make."