Friday, February 25, 2011

Quite recently I was thinking about how I have very little contact with people - and how that seems to make my life happier.  I love the people that I love, but I've been saying for a while (to Dave) that the more people you add to your life, the more drama that comes with it.  This has been one reason why I haven't wanted to pursue getting a job - ever again.

I think about the days before we had children and we were both working full time.  I remember the emotional roller coaster that I was constantly on because of my boss.  And the drama of what this person said and what that person said and how that affected me.  I also remember how I wasn't able to fully support my husband in his job and he wasn't able to fully support me in my job - because we both had our own stuff going on.

So I realized the other day that my life is relatively drama free.  I understand that this is going to change dramatically - soon - but for now and for the last year or so it has been relatively drama free.

And then there was today.  Actually, there wasn't much drama, but simply a reminder as to why I don't want to add more people to my life.

Because once again - as in, this isn't the first time in my 34 years - a person who is not much more than an acquaintance has decided that she has an issue with me and has been making veiled comments about me in front of me and others.  I have this job that I do online and I have to get into a chat room everyday to do it.  The comments have been made in the chat room - with the appropriate smiley emoticon attached to them.  So far I've convinced myself that I'm reading into things and she doesn't have an issue with me - I mean, why should she?  I've never spoken to her, I've never met her, I've never had a conversation with her.  Yet, the comments happened again this morning... and I happened to be chatting with my boss on AIM at the time and said something to him about it (it is his sister) and he confirmed that yes, she has an issue with me and he doesn't know why... the implication being clear that she has been saying much more than what was in the chat room.

And so.

I've been near tears all day.  I've wanted to curl up in a corner and cry.

And I want to quit my job - but I enjoy it and the money has really helped a lot.

And I want to insulate myself and become a hermit.  Only allowing the people that I already love to be a part of my life and no one else.  And I want to let my insecure, quiet, unapproachable, bitchy looking imposter loose in every situation I am in.  I want to curl up inside of myself and not let anyone in.

I feel horrible.  I really, truly have done nothing to this girl except for join the team a year ago.

I'm going to fight this inside of myself, but its going to take a lot to do it.  And right now, I just feel it.

  © Blogger template 'Ladybird' by 2008

Back to TOP