Thursday, May 05, 2011

A tangled web of life

I've been struggling as of late.  Struggling with myself & my inability to feel God.  And my inability to solve the puzzle.

I'm a puzzle solver.  I really, really like it when life follows an "if this, then that" pattern.  I like patterns.  I like the process of recognizing that there is a pattern and then observing life to find the pattern.  Or, alternatively using a lot of trial and error to find the solution to a puzzle.  I love this in all aspects - whether it is word puzzles or actual life.  Wait...  I DON'T like it at all when its math ;)

And I'm struggling with the fact that I've been created this way.  I have been created to be a puzzle solver and a pattern identifier.  Yet, it is exactly that part of me that is keeping me from living my best life right now.

I've gotten so incredibly tangled in the web of trying to find the pattern of exactly how much exercise and how much eating I should do to maintain or lose weight.  So much so, that I no longer have a healthy relationship with food and I'm not sure how to go about getting back to normal.

I've gotten so tangled in the web of trying to solve the puzzle of how to actually convince God to make Dave's business successful now rather than waiting any longer, that I no longer see the blessings that we have.

I've gotten so tangled in the web of trying to figure God out by reading the Bible that I no longer feel the Bible and I no longer internalize it. 

My life is tangled right now.  Not my whole life - my girls are good, my husband is good, my marriage is good, my family, my friends, my life is good.  But my brain is tangled.

I have many mixed thoughts about God and to be honest, I don't dare share them with but a few trusted people in my circle, because I don't want to be judged or have my soul prayed for because I don't believe the right thing.  To put it bluntly, I'm done with theology and religion.  I don't have much use for either one any more.  But I know many of my friends and family do - and thats okay with me, I just want it to be okay that I don't.  And I'm not sure that it is okay with other people that I don't care about theology, or sacraments, or doctrine.  

But my web extends beyond the non-necessity of those things (in my opinion).  Today, I read a passage in Matthew where Jesus tells the disciples that if they had enough faith & believing prayer that they could accomplish greater things than they could imagine (faith could move a mountain).  And I realized that I don't have that.  Because ultimately, when I boil it down, I don't fully, truly, 100% believe that God cares or is listening to my prayers - regardless of all of the verses that I've read and highlighted that say that he does hear everything, he does listen, he knows how many hairs are on my head.  In my tangledness I see that as a beautiful metaphor and I want to believe that - I do - but when I'm truly honest with myself, I don't believe it about him and me.

I don't know if I believe that God is actively working in this world.  I want to believe that he is and he will, but here's the thing: my blessing could possibly result in someone else's curse or vice versa.  And I have a hard time reconciling that in a reasonable way.  And in my pattern observing, puzzle solving way of viewing life I can't find a definable "if this, then that" pattern to God actively working in this world.  Rather, I see life happening as you would reasonably assume it would given general knowledge of the world & the way people work.

And this kind of destroys me.  I am not saying that I need all the answers to God and how he works.  Thats kind of the point - I don't need, nor do I necessarily want those answers - but because of how he created me, I'm constantly looking for them.

And I get tangled again.

As with food & exercise, I don't know how to stop doing it.  I don't know how to get untangled - and then stay that way.  I don't know how to stop observing or how to stop trying to solve.  And I get mad at myself.  And then I remember that God created me like this.  And I get tangled again.

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