Yesterday was one of *those* days. One of those days where my line snapped and I became a raving lunatic who worked up a sweat by throwing toys into garbage bags. I won't go into details, but to say that my sweet little Ryann pushed my buttons too many times yesterday.

Sunday night Nora was the culprit. Much complaining and whining turned into a very unpleasant situation for her and grounding for the rest of the night while Dave and her sisters went out for dinner. While she was released from her bedroom for dinner, I was able to have a conversation with her where I emphasized the importance of 1) choosing to be happy/positive even in bad situations; 2) our job is to raise her to be a happy, well-functioning adult which results in necessary discipline and punishment to guide her there; and 3) it was important for me to follow through on my threatened punishment because if I didn't, then she couldn't trust that I would punish her when I told her I would and also couldn't trust me when I told her I loved her, I would be there for her, I was proud of her, I believed in her, etc.

After sending her back to her room (coincidentally, I think this was the slowest she has eaten in 3 years), I had an opportunity to reflect on what had happened and on our conversation. My most important conclusion (for me) is that I am having a really difficult time being a thoughtful and intentional parent right now. I feel like there is so much noise circling my head at any given time, that it is tough to escape it and really THINK about what I'm doing, how I'm reacting and how I am affecting my girls.

Noise = actual noise like Ryann asking 1.5 million questions each day, Georgia talking all the time, girls fighting or whining, "how many minutes until...", the dog barking.

Noise also = the continuous thoughts/obssessions running through my head that I can't seem to quiet sometimes: painting projects that I'm currently doing or planning to do, personal interactions between me and the neighbors or the girls and the neighbor kids, finances and the dramatic turn of events we've had in that arena in the last 2 months, what I would like to do with additional money, what I know we SHOULD do with additional money, dreams of the future, expectations of others, why do I start my day out with God but end up forgetting about him as the day goes on?, running and my suckiness at it, running injuries and how I'm screwing myself up by continuing to run with them, terror at gaining weight back after working so hard at losing it... knowing that I'm a little mentally messed up in this regard right now and not sure how to get back on track to healthy, disappointment in myself for not living as intentionally and consistently as I'd like, contemplating no nursing school in my future, but rather becoming an on-call BOA for Jones. The list goes on and on.

So how do I quiet these things? I feel like journaling would do my soul good, but at the same time I'm a little fearful of being that honest on the www... writing it, though, makes my hand hurt to even think about it (I have a problem with writing way too much). Even though this blog is private, I still feel a little vulnerable about being truly honest. Not to mention that I've had an experience of someone finding a very personal previous blog several years ago and it caused much pain for me.

So I guess I'm going to just get some of it out of my head...

Freewrite on Jeremiah 1:18

The section of The Life You've Always Wanted that I read today was about asking God to speak to you through scripture and being washed and cleansed by his word. I have to say that believing that God can actually SPEAK to me through any means seems farfetched lately, but I'm trying to listen as hard as I can. The suggestion in the book is to meditate on a short passage, read it slowly, think about phrases or even just words at a time and ask God, "What are you trying to teach me through this?" So I opened up to the passage that I had read just prior to opening TLYAW this morning - Jeremiah 1. I asked God to speak to me.

First: "Stand at attention while I prepare your for your work."

What work are you preparing me for? I feel like you are preparing us. Refining us. Teaching us to be dependent on you and to have faith in the midst of our doubt and fear. Is there more? Are you preparing us for something more than this?

"I'm making you as impregnable as a castle, Immovable as a steel post, solid as a concrete block wall."

Crap. I feel this, too. I do. I feel like You are supporting us and making us stronger through all of this. I do. It sucks, though. It really does. Can't we be finished already? My faith is stronger, yet probably weaker, too. You have given us supports to hold us up - very recently in fact. I have hope, though, in reading this - solid as a concrete block wall - my faith will stand firm and will be unshakable.

And then this, which immediately produced tears: "You're a one-man defense system against this culture."

The previous two sentences I felt related to our Jones/financial situation, which is becoming scarier and scarier every month... all the while it is becoming more hopeful every month. Lets just say that there are two emotions running through our house throughout the month - both at opposite ends of the pendulum and we swing pretty freely between them. A melt-down last week. Incredible hope this week. Hope and despair. Faith and Doubt.

This last sentence, though, hit me in probably my biggest struggle. My biggest area of duplicity in my life - yearning to live one way, but struggling to not live another and struggling to not WANT to live the other way. Battling for my girls. Battling.

Its hard. It is hard to be a one-man defense against this culture. It is especially hard when I'm trying to defend three tiny souls who don't know what is going on. It is hard to do what I consider the right thing every day when the family that I come into contact with the most is always doing the easy thing. I'm battling against over-indulgence, entitlement, poor discipline, snottiness, lack of respect for others, children running the family. That is what my girls are exposed to every day, but I can't keep them from it without locking the doors or completely leaving the house every single day, all day. Recently I've felt a little under attack for the way I choose to parent - have been made to feel stupid or foolish for my choices. I need to be that concrete brick wall - stallwart and unmoving, not shifting, not compromising. It is important to me that the girls are exposed as little as possible to advertising, inappropriate clothing and behavior, the disrespect of our culture... so we don't do much tv. I don't want over-indulged children, so they hear NO a lot and don't have every single toy ever created (although it feels like it lately). They aren't allowed to eat all day or to have treats more than once a day. They have expectations of how they should behave - trying to find a fine balance between allowing them to be kids and expecting them to be well-behaved. I don't want my girls to have an inherent sense that their bodies are to be used to attract attention or manipulate men. They have brains and I want those to be important to them and I want them to have a sense of confidence where they don't feel like they need the approval of the "generalized others" in their lives. I want them to respect others - whether it is someone older than themselves or a peer or younger... respect for all people that they come into contact with.

Its hard, God. Its hard. I'm beginning to think that the first two sentences may not have applied only to our financial situation.

Finally - a verse later: "I will be with you through every inch of it."

July Review

1. Run 15 miles in one running session at least once.
Still working on this goal. This month I ran 10 miles on the treadmill twice. Last week I ran 8-10 miles on the path around Lake Geneva (I had no way of knowing my distance, just that I ran for a total of 101 minutes, which on the treadmill translates to 10.25 miles. The path was inconsistent terrain, so I'm pretty certain I was running a little slower or walking a little more than usual. I would guess that I ran at the very least 8 miles, but based on how I was feeling toward the end assume that I ran closer to 9/9 1/2. In addition, Dave and I walked almost the same distance on the path later that same afternoon with another Jones couple... so my body had done 14-18 miles on Saturday). I am taking a break this week, but have not decided yet if I'll do a long run on Saturday. I think I will complete this goal by my birthday, I think right now I would prefer that I complete it at Lake Geneva:)

2. Write one handwritten note each month.
I'm accepting thank you notes as completing this goal since my thank you notes are very personal and usually include much more than Thank You. I wrote 4 of them on Monday, so I'm way ahead on this one:)

3. Spend the afternoon school time reading a non-fiction book.
Still reading "The Life You've Always Wanted" by John Ortberg in the morning before the girls get up. Right now my chapter is about having a rightly ordered heart - not a divided heart, which I feel like I have so often. This book is so fantastic I'm thinking about reading it a third time.

4. Start the whole flylady thing.
Ugh. Not happening right now. We are doing swim lessons every day for 6 weeks (2 more weeks), which somehow has resulted in a complete hijack of my life even though it only takes roughly two hours out of my day. The two hours are in the middle of the day - too early to get much done beforehand other than breakfast for everyone, but by the time I get home and launch right into lunch and the aftermath there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of time to do much more... I mean when I'm chatting with a neighbor for an hour unexpectedly or making banana bread almost constantly (seems like) there just aren't enough hours in the day to get the laundry done;) I'm kind of putting my routine-ish life on hold until swim lessons are done in the middle of July.

5. Repaint the foyer, front room/dining room, kitchen and family room.
Foyer - done. Paint has been purchased for the kitchen. I am considering altering this goal as I come to a better realization of the actual cost of paint for the front room/dining room. In addition - and the bigger reason for considering putting a hold on all of this - my interior decorator's husband (they are Dave's clients) is having major health issues. As in, they are preparing for weeks. Anita may not be able to help me with the accessorizing for a long time.

6. Go on at least three city adventures with the girls over the summer.
One down, two more to go. I took the girls to the Museum of Science and Industry on Free Day a couple of weeks ago. It was everything I expected - as many kids as could be packed in there at one time. It was sensory overload times a million, but it was an experience and and adventure and that was EXACTLY what I was going for. I have not decided what our next adventure will be - I thought about taking them to the Taste of Chicago this week, but since they don't like to eat normal food I figured it would be a waste of time and money - they could get a very similar experience at the Taste of Orland Park at the end of this month. So I'm thinking perhaps Lincoln Park Zoo after swim lessons are over.

7. Take a yoga class.
This will also probably happen closer to my birthday.

8. Write in each of the girls' journals at least once a month.
I suck. I actually took them out of their hiding place after last month's review, but I have not written in them. I suck.

9. Do a personal Bible study in the morning before all the morning routines begin.
I have been reading through Isaiah in the mornings. I want to read all of the prophets. I sometimes don't understand what I'm reading, although, I've been asking God to teach me something every morning before I begin. I usually am able to learn SOMEthing about Him each morning.

10. Do not add any new television shows to my regular watch list.
Crap. I added one. But luckily it isn't a horrible one and it is on at 9pm on Tuesday night so we're usually home and girls are in bed. Chopped, on the Food Network. I love it - 4 competitors, three courses: appetizer, entree & dessert. They have 30 minutes for each course and have to use the surprise ingredients. One chef is chopped after each course. I'm not too upset about this since we don't want anything else other than baseball.

11. Be consistent with not getting on the computer until my stuff is done.
Again - I suck. One thing I've learned about myself in the last 8 years is that I thrive on routine and when I don't have a good one, my life feels completely disordered and a little out of control - like nothing is getting done. This is happening right now as we have been adjusting to no school + daily swim lessons. I find myself playing dumb games on facebook way too often.

12. Drink 100 ounces of water on the weekends (total of Saturday and Sunday).
Not consistent with this, but am at least aware of it. It is especially difficult when I am out of town. When I am home I have a certain cup I use - I know the exact number of ounces it holds and how many cups I need to drink. When I'm out of town it seems like I can only find small, tiny cups - drinking 20 of those sounds like a whole lot of not fun. I think I need to bring my cup with me. Fortunately we won't be out of town as much in the next 2 months as we were in June.

13. Memorize Bible verses.
I am still doing well with this and loving it. Several of the verses have helped me get through a near melt-down last week - even though I didn't want to hear what they had to say. I am learning to hear God in the midst of his word, which is a whole new thing for me.