Friday, December 19, 2008

An Alexander Day

Today was a no good, horrible, very bad day - and I should just move to Australia.

I will chalk this up as a day that I hated. A day that I am very not proud of. A day that leaves me questioning.

I'm asking God if I will always, forever, for the rest of my life struggle with my relationship with Nora. Will it always be like this? Is it just her age? Please, God, tell me it is just her age because I will be heartbroken if we - me and her - are always like this. She is a good, good kid. She is so loveable and sweet and kind and loving and many other good adjectives. But I struggle so much with her and I can't even identify why. God, what am I to learn with her right now? I need to do some changing somewhere in some way because I cannot be with her the way we were today for the next 40-50 years. God, teach me how to relate to her and how to love her in the best way for her. Help me to understand rather than to be understood. Change me.

And God? Did you really make ME to be a mom? Because sometimes I feel like it was a mistake. Sometimes I feel like with my personality I just wasn't supposed to be a mom. I'm not supposed to be smothered or have every minute of my day have a sound. Why am I a mom when I need silence and down time so badly? What am I doing wrong? How can I change this? Because today was a no good, horrible, very bad day. I love my girls. I adore them. But I feel very inadequate and unable to do it all the time - why doesn't it seem like other people feel like this... I know they get frustrated with their kids, but I feel like I'm the only one who feels smothered by it all.


Kristy 3:48 PM  

Your not alone Honey. Your not alone!!

April 5:18 PM  

Indeed its true for others Jana. If I am honest with this, I feel the same way! I have mentioned it to others and it makes them uncomfortable. Why?!

Ginger 12:47 AM  

I do not have girls but Boys and many times ask myself..was I really supposed to be a mom to Boys? They are loud and working nights I want just a litlle quiet time..even 5 minutes would be good. I do love them with all my heart and I admit I can be just as loud and get in as much trouble as my boys do but I get those overwhelming feelings alot...more as they grow older and they are both at different ages of spreading their wings. The sad thing is the 10 yr old is as tall as I am and the 'intimidation' factor of height is not there..I mean waht can you do when you say go to your room and he looks DOWN at you and says or what? They are both basically good kids but so have their moments where you ask Can I really handle this? point to the rant is you are so not alone and you are in my thoughts hon.

Missy Eagen 2:57 PM  

Oh how I can relate.... and that's all I can say right now w/out crying (or laughing) not sure which. Either case can I just say I can relate

Jen 8:46 PM  

We had a snow day last week. While I was thrilled to be "stuck" at home with the kids, a "perfect" snow day for me would be a) sleep in b) watch lots of movies c) work on my scrapbook. When you have a 4 1/2 year old and 7 year old at home with you all day, it is noise all day and being a Mom. I don't always feel like I was "made" to do this Mom-job either. Do my kids sense how much I like to do "me" activities??

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