I'm claustrophobic and have panic attacks

I hate this - I hate that I have this issue to deal with or even think about. I hate that it affects me the way it does. I have panic attacks when I feel enclosed and unable to escape. I don't know that I'm necessarily fearful of small spaces - just spaces or situations where I can't escape.

In my mind I think this is absolutely idiotic and insane - I hate it. Its stupid - what is going to happen to me? However, at the moment itself I have such a physiological reaction, that it isn't something I can stop or prevent - it happens in the moment and it begins as a physical response and progresses to include a mental response.

My chest feels like it is imploding. It isn't painful, it just feels crushing and tight - like the photo above. I have a hard time breathing and my heart races. My mind also begins to race and I start to panic - how am I going to get out of this? What am I going to do? What if there is no way out? Panic, Panic, Panic. I hate it.

I've had panic attacks on a busy El car - I had to get off and get on a less crowded one. I've had them in an extremely slow McDonald's drive-thru line. I had one this summer when we bypassed the Boerman Expressway when it was flooded, as did everyone else and the roads in Lansing were at a standstill and we had nowhere to go. I recently had one in an elevator that I thought had stopped - I don't normally care about elevators, but I thought this one had stopped. I've had them in heavy expressway traffic - I have to drive in the outside lanes.

I also had one at the Daughtry concert we went to a couple of weeks ago. It was a small venue, there were 130 people in the room. It was fine - I was fine. Until the host announced that we needed to get up to go to the bathroom now, because once the show started the doors would close and we wouldn't be able to get out. BAM - physical response: chest is tight. Mental response: panic. I spent the first half of the concert intentionally calming myself down and assuring myself that it wouldn't be a long concert and we would be able to get out - and if I really, really NEEDED to leave, they would HAVE to let me out.

I had one while I was on the phone scheduling my MRI last year - on the phone, just thinking about the MRI. Does this look horrible? It really isn't, but I was scared to death and ended up having to take Valium before the test.

Sometimes I panic because I don't feel like I can escape, sometimes I panic because I'm scared of a mob mentality if an emergency would happen - like the Daughtry concert. Sometimes I get the physiological response just from watching something that would terrify me - my chest got tight when Meredith drowned on Grey's Anatomy last season, I can't breathe when the immunity challenge on Survivor involves going under water for as long as the person can (breathing through a tube or at the top of a screen while the tide comes in). Its not even happening to me and I begin to panic!

I hate it. Its stupid. But it isn't something I can prevent - some day I will get therapy.

QOTD: What are you scared of?

getting to know me in 100 days - day 28

I would love to live in the city

I LOVE Chicago. I really do. The city has so much to do and has so much energy - unless you're in a business district after 5pm, then not so much energy:)

When we were first married, Cornbread and I would load up a backpack with some snacks and some bottles of water and drive into the city, park by BFWW's place and walk. And walk. And walk. We didn't have any kind of agenda or plans, we just loved to walk around the city. I still do, but we don't have the opportunity to do so like we used to.

I don't have many regrets in life - truly, I can only think of one... I wish we had moved to the city when we first got married rather than buying a boring house in the suburbs. I long to live in the city - even if just for a little while - and someday we will.

Cornbread - not so much. He would like to have a weekend home in the city and we've made that a goal of ours. He has no desire to live in a building and take the elevator to his home. He wants his yard and his grass and his car. But he also wants all of the fun things to do and doesn't want to deal with the traffic on the way there or on the way home. Thus, he wants a place where we can go for the night or the weekend when we want to go to a White Sox game or to the fireworks or to a concert or festival.

I'm sure I have a romantic view of city living - one that doesn't quite acknowledge all of the negatives, however, it all looks good to me. Walking everywhere. Taking the el places rather than driving a car. Living in a building and seeing the same neighbors in the elevator everyday. Saying "good morning" to the front desk person and nodding hello on my way up in the evening. See? Romantic, lovely view of city living. And I don't want to know about the downsides - I'd prefer to sit here in my chair with my perfect - albeit ignorant - image of how it is going to be when we finally get a place in the city.

QOTD: Have you been to Chicago? If so, what was your favorite part?

getting to know me in 100 days - day 27

I drive a Toyota Camry with 3 carseats in the backseat

And I'm back... I'm going to try to finish these out - I've got at least 74 days of blogging material here:)

This is the car that I drive: A 2001 Toyota Camry. We bought it some time between Nora being born and Ryann being born. It has a pretty big back seat and four doors. Cornbread was very excited about the leather interior. It's a nice car.

We cram 3 car seats in the back of it - so the back seat isn't so big anymore:) The girls look like this:

They're pretty cozy back there, eh? Imagine adding the Woof to the mix when we travel - its altogether wonderful!

I've never ever wanted to drive a minivan. Never. I thought that some sort of SUV - perhaps a Durango - would be a better choice. I just don't like the looks of a minivan. I never wanted to drive one - until now.

I still don't want to drive a minivan. I still don't like the looks of them. But now I would really love to have one. I'm sick of cramming them all in the back seat and having a tough time buckling Nora in. Moreso, I'm sick of them being so close to us when we're driving anywhere and trying to have somewhat of a normal conversation between the two of us - TWO of us, not FIVE of us.

However, the reason we cram 3 carseats into the backseat of a sedan is not because of my vanity, but because we just are not in a financial position to get a van. We're trying desperately to be wise with our finances while going through this new business situation. Could we get a van? Yes. Should we? No. Financially it doesn't make sense for us to get a van right now. When the Camry is paid off, then we can start thinking about it.

A van. I would much prefer an SUV. However, we would still have the same issue since many of them do not have a third row. But more importantly - for us, is we don't think it is a wise use of our money to get an SUV when we get to that point. We travel to Michigan too often to use up that much gas. Environmentally I'm not sure it would be a good decision, either. At some point responsibility has taken precedence over my vanity. I'm old, huh?

QOTD: What kind of car do you drive? What kind of car would you like to drive?

getting to know me in 100 days - day 26