Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Yesterday was one of *those* days. One of those days where my line snapped and I became a raving lunatic who worked up a sweat by throwing toys into garbage bags. I won't go into details, but to say that my sweet little Ryann pushed my buttons too many times yesterday.

Sunday night Nora was the culprit. Much complaining and whining turned into a very unpleasant situation for her and grounding for the rest of the night while Dave and her sisters went out for dinner. While she was released from her bedroom for dinner, I was able to have a conversation with her where I emphasized the importance of 1) choosing to be happy/positive even in bad situations; 2) our job is to raise her to be a happy, well-functioning adult which results in necessary discipline and punishment to guide her there; and 3) it was important for me to follow through on my threatened punishment because if I didn't, then she couldn't trust that I would punish her when I told her I would and also couldn't trust me when I told her I loved her, I would be there for her, I was proud of her, I believed in her, etc.

After sending her back to her room (coincidentally, I think this was the slowest she has eaten in 3 years), I had an opportunity to reflect on what had happened and on our conversation. My most important conclusion (for me) is that I am having a really difficult time being a thoughtful and intentional parent right now. I feel like there is so much noise circling my head at any given time, that it is tough to escape it and really THINK about what I'm doing, how I'm reacting and how I am affecting my girls.

Noise = actual noise like Ryann asking 1.5 million questions each day, Georgia talking all the time, girls fighting or whining, "how many minutes until...", the dog barking.

Noise also = the continuous thoughts/obssessions running through my head that I can't seem to quiet sometimes: painting projects that I'm currently doing or planning to do, personal interactions between me and the neighbors or the girls and the neighbor kids, finances and the dramatic turn of events we've had in that arena in the last 2 months, what I would like to do with additional money, what I know we SHOULD do with additional money, dreams of the future, expectations of others, why do I start my day out with God but end up forgetting about him as the day goes on?, running and my suckiness at it, running injuries and how I'm screwing myself up by continuing to run with them, terror at gaining weight back after working so hard at losing it... knowing that I'm a little mentally messed up in this regard right now and not sure how to get back on track to healthy, disappointment in myself for not living as intentionally and consistently as I'd like, contemplating no nursing school in my future, but rather becoming an on-call BOA for Jones. The list goes on and on.

So how do I quiet these things? I feel like journaling would do my soul good, but at the same time I'm a little fearful of being that honest on the www... writing it, though, makes my hand hurt to even think about it (I have a problem with writing way too much). Even though this blog is private, I still feel a little vulnerable about being truly honest. Not to mention that I've had an experience of someone finding a very personal previous blog several years ago and it caused much pain for me.

So I guess I'm going to just get some of it out of my head...


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