Friday, January 18, 2008

Created Beautiful - Chapter 5

I've actually finished this study already. Apparently, nothing hit me enough to journal about it so I haven't. However, some things that I've been feeling today reminded me of something in chapter 5.

I've been really lonely lately. Lonely. Smothered. Crowded.

And you know what? I know that I should reach out to other moms - that I can't be the only one who feels this way and that I should try to care for my friends who may feel this way, but sometimes I feel like I spend my entire life caring for others - Dave and the girls - that I just want someone to care for me. I know it is way too much to expect.

Due to my current schedule, which includes my job, preschool dropoff/pickup, bus schedules and nap time I have little time to actually pursue anyone or anything beyond that. I have a free hour here or there, but you know how that goes - an hour doesn't really give you enough time to really get into something. Its enough to do a quick kitchen clean up and fold a load of laundry or curl my hair or put some laundry away. But an hour just isn't enough time to go out for coffee with a friend or hang out or really get to know someone.

So I've been thinking about it this way: I have to put my social life on hold until the summer when we won't be bound by bus schedules and preschool schedules. If I can just hold on until then things will feel better. This is what reminded me of chapter 5.

One of the messages in chapter 5 is that Satan threatens to destroy our internal beauty by convincing us to believe lies like:
I would be completely happy if I were as beautiful as...
I really don't feel like that. I don't think like that. I try to compare myself to myself - and no one else. HOWEVER, I realized today that I've convinced myself that life will be happier/less smothering or life won't be so lonely as soon as the school year is over, Nora is in school for a full day, Georgia doesn't need to take naps anymore, Georgia is 3, etc. etc. I could list any number of things that I look forward to in the future that I've decided will result in an easier, less lonely life.

I need to realize that this is not true. As soon as all or any of those things happen something else will also be happening that means life will not be so easy. And because I'm introverted I think I will always feel a sense of loneliness. I will always feel slightly left out and inadequate when I hear my extroverted friends talk about everything they do and all of the people they talk to throughout the day.

I think that although I try very hard to not compare my body to other women's bodies, I do end up comparing my life to other lives. It seems like everyone else has it all together. They've got it all figured out - parenting is easy, schedules flow, nothing is overwhelming. They have friends everywhere and everyone loves them and wants to be around them. Meanwhile I'm at home struggling with life and feeling lonely. I MUST be inadequate. I MUST be doing something wrong.

Satan has done a number on me, eh?

I'm working on being content with life as it is. Enjoying each day for what it is. Enjoying my children. My husband. Being grateful for the health our family enjoys. For my strong marriage. I need to enjoy now and not be constantly looking to the future and how much better I expect that period to be than right now. I'm working on understanding - really, truly understanding - that no one has it "all together". They may act like it. They may look like it from my perspective, but no one does. Not even me.

And thats okay.


Sarah R. (C) 3:26 PM  

Just read your post on Grace and now this one. I think I also compare my life to others more than my body. I too am always looking forward to the future thinking it will be happier for me.
Just know that you are not alone in this and that a lot of us feel the same way. Love you.

Jen 3:55 PM  

I almost was going to come to Chicago this week-end but it didn't work out for my family. When I can, we are going to have our coffee shop talk! Thanks for your honesty in your blogs, and you strike a similar note with me thinking about the future. I just think about having so much "free time" when I'm not responsible for kids in a few years. However, will I then just miss them being around??

Jen 3:56 PM  

Oops...I didn't mean to say "not responsible for kids" in my comment, I meant having part of the day where I am not with them. It is hard when you crave reading a book, working on photos, doing projects, when you seriously can't do them..............

Mommy Brain 11:15 AM  

This time of year is just lonely and hard. When it's sunny you can't go out and enjoy it, when it's warm it's cloudy and you don't have the energy to be awake. That leads to my loneliness and my eating more than I should, which leads to my discontentment with my body. I don't know if it helps but you are not alone...even us extroverted types feel the same way you do...we just aren't as quiet in our suffering. We talk and feel like no one is really we talk for the sake of talking and that is lonely too. Spring is coming...hold on!

heidi jo 2:27 PM  

love it. gonna soak in these words.

Heaven Sent 3:00 PM  

So very true. All of it. It's so hard to enjoy the day to day when you feel a bit used up. It's easier to create easier times in our heads to get through the days.

But you are right. We need to live in the moment and enjoy as much as we can. Because when those "easier times" come, we'll be wishing we could press rewind.

Satan may be trying to squash you, but it sounds like God is keeping you focused on Him, which means you already won.

Have a wonderful weekend, and get out for that cup of coffee. Winter, fall, spring or summer, you deserve some Jana time!

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