My favorite dessert is cheesecake

Dear Cheesecake,

I have had a love affair with you for many years. Ever since I took my first bite and had those hearts floating in my eyes and around my head like you see on cartoons because you were so delicious, I have been in love. My husband knows and he doesn't care. I can leave him for you and he will understand.

Oh luscious, creamy, dreamy cheesecake. I love you when you are covered in chocolate sauce. I love you when you are covered in caramel sauce. Oh cheesecake, I love you when you are plain.

When did you decide to dress yourself in graham cracker crumbs? You were perfect as you were, but oh how much more perfect are you with graham cracker crumbs!

There are people that try to make you better. They add little things like raspberry & white chocolate, pumpkin swirls, turtle fixings, chocolate chips, oreo cookies, a caramel layer on the bottom. Those things are quite tasty and I enjoy them, but I do love you just the way you are. I will take you in any form as long as you are baked and not soupy (bad Eli's - bad, bad Eli's).

I miss you cheesecake. Why, oh why must you be so full of it? Sugar. Fat. Calories. You alone are preventing me from having you when I want you. You are inherently bad for me, but oh so good for me.

I will have you again one day soon. When I am tiny again I will celebrate with a mile high piece of you with chocolate and caramel sauce and perhaps a bit of whipped cream and a sprig of mint.

Mmmm. Cheesecake - my forbidden love. QOTD:
What is your favorite dessert? And what is your favorite cheesecake? And are you drooling? I am.

getting to know me in 100 days - day 12

I'm terrified of losing my husband and children

It occurred to me one day that quite possibly the worst decision I have ever made was to get married and have children.

A couple of nights after bringing Nora home from the hospital I was cuddling with my tiny baby and I turned to Dave and said, "Did you ever imagine that you could love anyone this much?" It amazed me, this new kind of love that was in my life... I loved Dave so much, but this was entirely different. And she didn't really love me back. She depended on me, yes. But I don't think she loved me. She certainly could not show me affection, yet. But I loved her more than life.

Before I had Ryann I wondered how I could possibly love another child as much or in the same way as I loved Nora. I didn't understand how a parent could do that - I thought I loved Nora so much that I didn't have anymore to share. But then came Ryann and Ryann was almost unlovable to all but her mom (even her dad at times). She was a tough, tough baby to love for everyone else (hey - I'm being honest... she cried when anyone held her but me and I think almost everybody loved her because they were obligated to love her;). But I loved her more than life. As much as I loved Nora. The same way I loved Nora.

And when I was pregnant with Georgia I never worried about if I could love another baby - I now knew that no matter how many children I had I could and would love them more than life. The same way I loved my current children. And as much as I loved my current children.

And then there's Dave. My love for my husband just grows and grows every day. I love him. I'm in love with him. And every day it gets better.

My love for my children and husband sometimes feels physical - like it is exploding out of me. Sometimes I don't know how to express it best. I just want to hug and kiss them constantly. I tell them I love them all day. My heart feels ready to explode at times. How do you describe that?

And yet that love terrifies me. The thought of losing one of them to an accident or an illness or in any way makes me sick to my stomach and immediately brings me to tears. If I try to put myself in the place of someone who has lost a child or a spouse so I can be empathetic, I physically feel heart ache. If I think about my children being hurt, my heart aches. When I read the draft of our will last week before signing it, I sobbed - because my heart ached for my children as I thought about them reading the will for the real reason it was written.

My heart aches right now as I write this.

Loving someone leaves one so vulnerable to pain and heart ache. The people you love the most have the potential to hurt you the most - intentionally, unintentionally, by something they say, something they do, or by losing them somehow.

This is why I say that the worst decision I have ever made was to get married and have children. If I was alone - no family, no friends, no one loving me and no one to love - the potential for that pain would not exist. If I were a hermit, I might be miserably lonely, but my heart wouldn't ache at the mere thought of losing someone in my family or one of my friends.

Yet God calls us to community. He loves us and he calls us to love others. He gives us people to love and therefore, he gives us the potential to be hurt by that love. He draws us near to him in the pain. He loves us through our heart ache and beyond. He loves us. And because of his love we can say, "Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be your name, Jesus." and "He gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name." Through all things he is given glory - not just my happiness and pure joy in loving my friends and family, but also in any pain that may result from that love.

I am terrified of losing my husband and children - when I really think about it, I'm not sure how I would physically move on with my life - but I know God would give me the strength to get through it. I know that he would provide the support I would need to get through it. Do I want to go through it? No, but I don't need to be terrified even when my heart aches as it does right now.

QOTD:

Do you understand what I'm saying? Or am I the only one who feels like this:)?

getting to know me in 100 days - day 11

Pictures from the weekend

Every Labor Day weekend we go to my Gramp's and Gram's cottage for the weekend. Gram becomes a "mom" and this mom becomes a vegetable. I spend the entire weekend sitting on the porch looking at the lake, reading a book, and getting sunburned. Dave spends the weekend catching (ghost) fish and trying to convince us that he actually caught something. The girls spend the weekend getting to know Gram and Gramp and eating all kinds of treats that they wouldn't normally get at home. They get spoiled. I get spoiled. Dave "catches fish".

Being goofy on the bunk bed

Georgia playing with Gram's bucket o' toys. (I would dress her in these elf jammies all day every day if I could - I just love them:)


And the result of the weekend is:


I didn't have enough memory space on my camera to get any more pictures, but everyone was sleeping on the way home except for the fisherman.

We always have such a nice weekend. Its relaxing and its tiring. And we get to spend some quality time with Gram and Gramp without anyone else to occupy ours or their time and attention. Its good. Very good.

Thanks Gramps and Gram! We love you!