Thursday, September 07, 2006

I'm terrified of losing my husband and children

It occurred to me one day that quite possibly the worst decision I have ever made was to get married and have children.

A couple of nights after bringing Nora home from the hospital I was cuddling with my tiny baby and I turned to Dave and said, "Did you ever imagine that you could love anyone this much?" It amazed me, this new kind of love that was in my life... I loved Dave so much, but this was entirely different. And she didn't really love me back. She depended on me, yes. But I don't think she loved me. She certainly could not show me affection, yet. But I loved her more than life.

Before I had Ryann I wondered how I could possibly love another child as much or in the same way as I loved Nora. I didn't understand how a parent could do that - I thought I loved Nora so much that I didn't have anymore to share. But then came Ryann and Ryann was almost unlovable to all but her mom (even her dad at times). She was a tough, tough baby to love for everyone else (hey - I'm being honest... she cried when anyone held her but me and I think almost everybody loved her because they were obligated to love her;). But I loved her more than life. As much as I loved Nora. The same way I loved Nora.

And when I was pregnant with Georgia I never worried about if I could love another baby - I now knew that no matter how many children I had I could and would love them more than life. The same way I loved my current children. And as much as I loved my current children.

And then there's Dave. My love for my husband just grows and grows every day. I love him. I'm in love with him. And every day it gets better.

My love for my children and husband sometimes feels physical - like it is exploding out of me. Sometimes I don't know how to express it best. I just want to hug and kiss them constantly. I tell them I love them all day. My heart feels ready to explode at times. How do you describe that?

And yet that love terrifies me. The thought of losing one of them to an accident or an illness or in any way makes me sick to my stomach and immediately brings me to tears. If I try to put myself in the place of someone who has lost a child or a spouse so I can be empathetic, I physically feel heart ache. If I think about my children being hurt, my heart aches. When I read the draft of our will last week before signing it, I sobbed - because my heart ached for my children as I thought about them reading the will for the real reason it was written.

My heart aches right now as I write this.

Loving someone leaves one so vulnerable to pain and heart ache. The people you love the most have the potential to hurt you the most - intentionally, unintentionally, by something they say, something they do, or by losing them somehow.

This is why I say that the worst decision I have ever made was to get married and have children. If I was alone - no family, no friends, no one loving me and no one to love - the potential for that pain would not exist. If I were a hermit, I might be miserably lonely, but my heart wouldn't ache at the mere thought of losing someone in my family or one of my friends.

Yet God calls us to community. He loves us and he calls us to love others. He gives us people to love and therefore, he gives us the potential to be hurt by that love. He draws us near to him in the pain. He loves us through our heart ache and beyond. He loves us. And because of his love we can say, "Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be your name, Jesus." and "He gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name." Through all things he is given glory - not just my happiness and pure joy in loving my friends and family, but also in any pain that may result from that love.

I am terrified of losing my husband and children - when I really think about it, I'm not sure how I would physically move on with my life - but I know God would give me the strength to get through it. I know that he would provide the support I would need to get through it. Do I want to go through it? No, but I don't need to be terrified even when my heart aches as it does right now.


QOTD:
Do you understand what I'm saying? Or am I the only one who feels like this:)?

getting to know me in 100 days - day 11

7 comments:

Becky 12:13 PM  

Oh my gosh! I know exactly what you are saying! That fear is with me all the time. And whenever I hear about someone losing a child or a spouse I am so sick about it. The thought of having to endure a loss like that.... it's unbearable. And yet, as you say, God would get you through and give you the strength to go on. I just pray we won't have to find that out firsthand.

Missy 2:29 PM  

I hear you clear as a bell! I too get that knot in my gut at the tought of losing one of my children or Rick. I do however know that God would sustain me through it. I can't even begin to imagine how but I know He will. I hear about a loss of a husband or child and I pray for some sense of peace for those left behind. One more reason to move heaven and earth to make sure those we love know Jesus.

Melissa :) 9:45 PM  

To answer....YES!

Heaven Sent 1:33 PM  

Oh girl, do I understand. I have spent many a nights crying at the mere thought of losing Jeff and Emma. My life would feel empty, meaningless, alone. Yet you are right -- God would bring us through it. And better yet, give us the promise that we will see them again some day, WITHOUT that fear. How wonderful is that?!

Amy 7:42 PM  

I think about this too and it worries me at time. We were talking about it at Coffee Break and one woman was more terrified of herself dying--what would her spouse and kids do? She talked about God is bigger than our struggles. Trusting Him is so hard sometimes.

kkoois 9:15 PM  

i don't even know where to begin on this one. i have hestitated even commenting because this is hard for me.

watching my dad lose my mom was horrible. i can't imagine going through that and i don't ever want to. but, one thing i learned by it, is god is always there. i'm not sure that he is always there to make things better for us, but he is there. that's what i always try to remember when difficult situations arise. he is there and he is in control. his plan might be for us to lose the most important people in our lives, but it is still HIS plan. my grandma died 2 months after my mother and i think it was partly of a broken heart from losing her daughter. god might not choose to give us the physical strength to get through tradegy, but he will give us the spiritual strength. i hope this makes some kind of sense...

Jen 9:35 PM  

I used to work with Janet Willis~the mom of the 6 kids who died in the van accident that started the whole George Ryan thing. She is an amazing woman who was given an extrordinary amount of grace in that loss. I could only hope I would be able to recieve that grace. I think God gives it to all, many can't receive it.

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