Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Something more

Summer is tough for me. I feel so smothered all the time. My kids are at ages where someone seems to need constant attention or there is constant talking. I made rules at the beginning of the summer - if it is not raining outside, they will go outside at 10am and play outside all day. We have a swingset, a sandbox, a trampoline, a water table, 5 trees to climbs, lots of bugs to find and two little neighbor boys next door - there is absolutely no reason why they should be inside during the summer.

Okay fine.

But they're still coming inside all the time. Can we have a snack? When can we have lunch? When can we have a freezepop? The water table is leaking and needs more water. So and so called me a name. Thats the older two.

Georgia in the meantime is being 2 1/2 inside the house - begging to go outside (she can go out back by herself because we have a fence, but out front only if supervised by me or Cornbread... not something that I'm always able to do) and when she can't she's making incredible messes.

Its been 2 weeks? Right? or 3? Whatever. My brain feels like it wants to explode. My body feels like it wants to cave in. I need some space. Some time. I need to be away from them sometimes and it doesn't seem to happen very much during the summer.

And the guilt sets in. I feel like I'm the only mom in the world who can't handle being with her kids all the time. The other night as I was reflecting on this I told Cornbread that I felt like I just wasn't made to be a mom. I love my girls with all of my heart. But the mom thing? Not so much all the time. I guess its more the mom thing in addition to the taking care of the house thing. And the family. And all of the responsibilities. It is all a bit overwhelming sometimes and then add to the mix my introvertedness and need to re-energize by being by myself and not getting much of that time... it makes for a volatile situation sometimes.

Right after telling all of this to Cornbread he walked over to me, gave me a hug and said, "I think the problem is that you were made to be more than a mom." Holy cow did he hit it on the head. He summed up every restless feeling I have had in that one sentence. And then he took me on an unplanned date and took me shopping to White House Black Market and made me try on every dress in the store and bought me one PLUS accessories. He really excelled at taking care of me:)

I spoke to my dad this morning and he talked largely about not worrying about tomorrow or yesterday - we simply need to take care of today.

God has spoken loudly to me through my two favorite men.

My theme for the summer is: "And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there." I Corinthians 7:17 (MSG translation)

7 comments:

April 3:42 PM  

Really love your transparency!!! I have been feeling like you many times and just couldn't put my finger on it until you had posted on Grace something to this affect in the weight loss section and then again today when I read this. It just helps give me some ease that it is okay to feel a little overwhelmed at times when there is constant touching, talking, looking, thinking to be had while raising these three small little beings. Indeed living in the moment is great advice. I think also making sure to get enough time without our little ones in such a way that will recharge us is also going to help (advice to myself of course).

heidi jo 8:13 PM  

oh jana... i'm going to bookmark this so i can soak it in then come back and read it several more times... LOOOVE what two very special men showed to you. gosh your hubby even earned brownie points WITH ME! WHAT A GOOD GUY! it's not that being a mom isn't 'enough' or beautiful in it's own CHALLENGING right - it's that God birthed other dreams in you and though it might not be the season to fulfill them yet, your heart still churns with the knowledge that they are there.

and that Scripture... beautiful. I need to paint that on my walls. :)

amanda 11:08 AM  

Oh Jana...you just spoke directly to my heart...I love you!

i am not 11:54 AM  

Heidi said: "God birthed other dreams in you and though it might not be the season to fulfill them yet, your heart still churns with the knowledge that they are there."

Heidi - you just articulated it perfectly!

Mommy Brain 10:41 PM  

You are not alone as these other girlfriends have so eloquently said! You are not alone!

mom 5:25 PM  

Jana, you sound like I felt when I was raising you. I needed the alone time, too, to get balanced again. Your husband is such a treasure. He is so right. What he said is exactly what I thought back then, but never dared to say. I loved raising you and Cara and homemaking - enjoyed it immensly! -but I always needed more than that. I needed brain things - you do, too - whatever it is.
God has given you that special gift of being able to describe your feelings, and also to have someone that actually listens, takes you seriously, sypathizes, and finds just the solution you need for that moment. Don't ever be afraid to ask for help or for what you need.
Your cornbread is a rare gift.
Today he is on my gratitude list.

one hot momma 10:35 PM  

wow...I know your last sentence said we shouldn't want more than we have right now, but I sure am envious of your Cornbread! What a guy!
And about the feeling smothered thing...you should feel amazingly rich in the company you are keeping! Thanks for sharing! Your honesty is so refreshing...ps. I love your mom!

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