Wallowing

I have had a very bad few days. I'm struggling to say the least. I'm also wallowing in self: self-pity, self-absorption, selfishness etc. I'm not exactly sure how I got to this point, but I believe that 2 weeks of holiday break, holiday expectations, holiday schedules and very little time alone with myself or with Dave largely have contributed to my state.

We are living a very stressful life right now. A brief and honest synopsis:
Dave changed careers 4 years ago. He went from making over 6 figures per year to making $24,000 per year (each year has increased a little bit, but that was the first year). There is much hope that comes along with the change to EJ, however, there is also much financial difficulty, too. We have been able to finance this switch via our savings, our IRA's and the equity in our home. It has been over 4 years since he switched and we have had only one month where his paycheck covered our entire month's worth of expenses.

Last year at this time, things were looking good. He was gradually increasing his production to the point where we were using a whole lot less of our supplemental funds to pay our expenses. He earned a big bonus last January and he earned that trip to Mexico last February. And things started slowing down from there - my opinion is that he put so much energy into trying to earn those things that he wiped himself out for the month of March - wiped out his own energy and wiped out his pipeline. But it still wasn't too bad throughout the spring and the summer. And then the economy took a dive as did his income. He has struggled to make even 1/5 of our monthly expenses for the last few months - meaning we're taking more out of our supplemental funds again.

And last fall we started to panic - we are now very close to running out of those supplemental funds. We always said we would take this Jones thing to the last penny, but it certainly did not appear that we would ever get that far. And now it is a distinct possibility. We have probably less than a year's worth of supplement left if things continue at this pace. We have scaled back to the extreme - ex: our grocery budget went from $600/month to $300/month. It isn't a pleasant situation by any means and one result is that I feel so much of a burden and so much guilt about spending ANY money - even money that is necessary.

I have a pit in my stomach almost all of the time. I feel like my chest is tight most of the time. I'm not having panic attacks, but there is a pretty high baseline of anxiety in my life right now. I'm not sleeping well even though I'm running a lot of miles throughout the week. I'm crabby because of the anxiety and because of my lack of sleep. I cry often and at dumb things - I spilled coffee on my carpet a few days ago and completely lost my mind. On Saturday - I hesitate to say this because I'll sound like a complete nutjob - I laid in bed for most of the day just staring at the wall because I couldn't find a reason to get out of bed. So I'm struggling. I'm much, much better today, but I still have much anxiety related to stupid stuff.

On Friday Dave asked me to start therapy. In addition to the general stress of life, there is a lot of crap in my past that should probably be dealt with at some point. I'm not eager to do it and I feel like I've been attacked in some way, but I recognize that it is necessary. I've argued and argued with him that I'm just having trouble because of the holiday break - and I still maintain that it has a lot to do with it - but he is asking me to do this and to get some help. The thought of it has brought up memories that I don't really like - in anticipation of digging them up, I suppose - which is causing even more anxiety. Ahhhh - its a vicious crazy cycle, isn't it?

So there it is - I'm struggling and I'm going to get some help. I'm not sure what it entails and I'm not sure how I will look on the other side of 12-18 months and I'm scared to do it and to face some things that I thought I had put to rest. But seriously, I need to breathe again. I need to sleep again.