Rejection

Last night in counseling we discussed the biggest wound that I have been able to identify in my life: feeling as if I have never been chosen.

I identified this as my big wound when our small group was reading Waking the Dead by John Eldridge. And as I think back through life I can think of many, many times where I felt that someone chose someone or something else instead of me. I continue to feel that in my adult life at times.

Although I can identify this as my wound and I can identify many situations where this has been reinforced in my life, I've also learned that it is okay for people to choose someone else. When you're a kid, you don't get it. As an adult who is getting to know myself I understand why I wasn't chosen very often as a kid, but the pain and the results remain.

What I found interesting in our conversation last night, is that my fear of rejection makes me hesitate in relationships. Wow - when my counselor started explaining this concept to me, it hit me like a ton of bricks - he is so right on. I totally do hesitate in relationships out of fear that the other person will not choose me like I've chosen her. I can go back and identify specific relationships where I've hesitated for that reason. I also can identify relationships that I'm currently hesitating on... for example, I've had the opportunity to meet some of you, but out of fear that I won't live up to expectations and you won't choose to get to know me, I have backed out.

While I claim to want to live intentionally and focus on relationships, my fear of rejection holds me back.

I live in constant second guess mode when I actually put myself out there. Blogging is a really good thing for me, however, when I put myself on the screen and bare myself I go back and reread it several times and then struggle when there are very few comments - Did I share too much? Am I too intense? Too real? Are people laughing at me? Rolling their eyes? Do they think that I'm an idiot?

I guess it all comes down to the fact that because of situations in my childhood and the fact that I'm introverted in a predominantly extroverted world, I feel like people won't like the real Jana and will always choose the party over spending time getting to know her. Will always choose to hang out with the group rather than get to know her. And in all honesty, that is the truth - maybe not always, but a majority of the time.

But what I've learned and am continuing to learn is that its okay. I'm not going to be chosen most of the time - and its not because people think I'm an idiot, but more due to chemstry, intensity of personality, viewpoints, opinions, an ability to have real discussions, etc. Just like I don't choose certain people because they just don't flow with me. I don't choose certain people because I can't do the whole "what did your baby's diaper look like this morning" conversation, or "what is the latest fashion trend" conversation. Its okay. I don't choose people and those people aren't likely to choose me.

What I need to work on is figuring out when I'm feeling rejection and when I'm feeling like there is a possibility of rejection and get through it and stop hesitating. I have friendships right now that I have had for 8 or 9 years, but for the first 6-7 years I held back because I felt like I liked him/her better than he/she liked me. Those friendships, right now, are very fullfilling and very promising and are exactly what I need. I hate it, though, that it took 7 years to get there. Imagine if I could have gotten past that whole feeling a lot earlier!

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On a different note...
* I colored my hair last night because I had about 3 inches of outgrowth (roots) and it is now kind of a strawberry blonde color - with more emphasis on the strawberry. Not real pleased with it. Not what I was going for. I'm a little scared, though, that if I highlight it, it will break off or fall out.

* I have had the week off from babysitting so I have been obssessing about getting my staple wardrobe pieces into place. I have the black ribbed turtleneck sweater - Ann Taylor, bought off of ebay. Yesterday I bought the good black trousers - Ann Taylor Loft. I also bought a bright pink cable knit sweater - only because it was $6 at Ann Taylor Loft. I already have decent khaki pants and a white button down shirt. So the only things I have left are: Good dressy jeans, possibly denim trousers, White sweater and black heeled loafers.

I have gone to every store and website in the area looking for the PERFECT shoe (for a good price - wouldn't you know that I can find the perfect shoe for $70-$100?) I'm so picky about shoes. It has to be a certain height and look a certain way. So I'm obsessing. Thinking about just being satisfied with my black boots for now and working on the shoes next fall.

I have also been obsessing about the jeans. I have tried on tons of jeans in every high end store and outlet store. I have such problems with this. Filene's Basement has Lucky jeans and Seven for All Mankind jeans on sale for $23 (they are normally $100-$120). I am bound and determined to find a pair that fit or can be tailored to fit... but they're too long and if I get them hemmed it will ruin the boot cut. UGH.

One more trip to Filene's Basement this afternoon and then I may give up.