Authenticity

As of next week my blog is going private. There are several reasons for this... mostly because I'm having a huge urge to be truly authentic and real and honest in my journaling right now. I'm not interested in putting on a facade, but am looking for authentic, real community. We are struggling right now and I have very few avenues of really getting my feelings out -writing is the best thing for me. I've tried the private, no other reader journal/blog, but I found that I missed having interaction and other thoughts/suggestions and communication with others.

Cornbread was telling me this morning, that in a conversation with a friend, it was suggested that instead of trying so hard to try to plan for the future and figure out what we're going to do "if", that we should be focusing on the present and living life in wonder and awe of how God is miraculously working in our lives. We are learning dependence in a way that I never thought we'd have to learn... and God is working. It is hard, though, to recognize it or to realize that God can work in our lives while he is working in others' lives. Cornbread was relating to our friend that while we are struggling and scared, there are others around us who have it even worse than us and it feels selfish to ask God to prioritize us above them... but the real deal is that God doesn't prioritize... He works good in the lives of all those who love him - not just those who need him worse than others.

It has been a really rough few months for us and it doesn't promise to get any better, but God has been faithful in the last 10 years - and very evident - and there is no reason to think that He has abandoned us or won't continue to be faithful. I feel like I need to get stuff out of my head and into words so I can recognize Him or have someone who reads this recognize him for me:)

In addition, I've been thinking about the purpose of my blog. It is a nice way to share pictures and share stories of the girls with our families, but really that isn't all of me. I have always wanted to have a journal of life right now - life as a stay at home mom with three small children, life as the spouse of someone trying to build a new business... because in a lot of ways, I feel unsupported - I'm not complaining or blaming anyone. The problem is most of the reason I feel unsupported is because I don't share with people that I need support or how I can use help. I can do it on my own, you know? So one of my biggest desires is that I would be able to draw on my previous experiences in order to support other women that are in my position when I have long moved out of it. I wish that people in my life would just offer up the support I need without me having to ask for it - doesn't everyone? But it doesn't work that way. However, if I can read about my current life 10 years from now and recognize how I might have needed help and then be able to do that for someone else without them having to ask, then I will be happy.

So those are a couple of reasons why I'm going private. I have no intentions of complaining about people or spouting opinions on people or their actions or decisions. I'm not going private so that certain people don't have access to my thoughts, I'm going private because I'm going real. I once had a blog where I journaled my actual thoughts about a certain situation and people in my life and it was found and created some serious pain in my life and in our family. I made a very poor error in judgement in putting those thoughts on the WWW, which is part of the reason why this blog has been so vague and surfacey. This is not about that, though. This is about our real life and I don't think anyone and everyone needs to be a part of it.

I invite you to join me if:
* you are will to read about my real life without judging me
* you are willing to participate by leaving comments
* you are willing to be authentic in your relationship with me
* you are willing to hold me accountable when necessary
* you are willing to be a truth teller
* you are willing to share how God is working in your life

I think I need your email address in order to give you access to the blog. Please email me at jddykstra@comcast.net if you are interested.

I will be blunt: I'm going to be vigilant about maintaining the list of people who can access this - if you have been reading, but haven't been participating in a while you will be deleted. I'm not trying to allow a bunch of people into my life, but rather am trying to build a community of friends who share lives.