Sunday, June 11, 2006

On Second Thought...

Went to church this weekend - twice, because I'm that good of a christian and I'm sooo spiritual. Not the point. The point is this: the worship leader spoke of suffering and what it means and why it happens. We draw closer to God because of and during suffering. We glorify God through our suffering and because of our suffering.

I'm now thinking out loud, so please excuse me if I talk in circles, don't make sense or contradict myself. This is a topic that I really, really struggle with personally and I'm trying to get it out onto paper.

My life is good. I love my husband and he loves me. I have 3 healthy, wonderful children. My parents are healthy. My in-laws are healthy. Our sisters and their families are healthy and all is well. I have not lost close friends or family. I have not been personally affected by cancer. I am healthy. Our life is good. We are loved by many and we love many.

In short - I don't feel like I have suffered.

This is my uh-oh moment - I haven't struggled, therefore I'm not as close to God as I could be. I've witnessed others becoming closer to God through their health struggles, the death of children, siblings, parents. I haven't had any of that.

I would like to be closer to God. But I do not want to suffer to get there. I do not want to give up my husband or one of my children (or all of them). I want to be closer to God, but I don't want to go through the process of getting there. I don't want to find out what it is all about. I want to be able to say "Though the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say: Blessed be the name of the Lord." However, I don't really want to find out what that means. I'm not ready or willing to be Abraham bringing my Isaac to the mountain to sacrifice before my God. They're mine and I love them and I want to be with them and I want life to be good for me and for them. I don't want my girls to struggle. The same thing goes for them - I want them to be close to God, but I don't want them to struggle to get there.

I have a friend who desires above all for her children to know Jesus regardless of what suffering it may bring. I can't bring myself to say that right now. I want to say it, but if I am honest with myself I have to admit that I can't say it because I won't mean it.

And one of my biggest fears is that somehow God will teach me what all of this means. One of my biggest fears is that I won't see my children grow up - somehow I won't. One will die an early death, or I will get a terminal illness - something will deter me from seeing my children grow up and living my life with Dave until we are old. Whatever that is will be the thing (or things) that will teach me that He "gives and takes away, but my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name."

Please don't judge me. Please don't condemn me. I'm trying to figure this all out. I'm trying to be who God wants me to be - and I know, right now at this very moment that I am NOT who he desires me to be. I am not being obedient and my heart aches because of it, however, this is a moment where I know what it means to be obedient (come before him and sincerely give my life and my children, my husband and our families to him) and I am being defiant.


Jen 4:11 PM  

That is such a good post~I so know how you feel! One thing I desire for my girls it that they are not "fair weather Christians" I want them to realize God is good all the time, even when it doesn't seem like it.

But we are Mommies. I weep at the thought of my girls getting dumped by a boy let alone going through major trials.

Very well said post. I think being honest in our humanity brings us closer to God.

Now I need to go change a crib sheet. . .

Anonymous 11:01 PM  

Welcome to being human. I hear you, I relate to you & I completely understand. Thanks for sharing, you are not alone. :)

kkoois 11:25 PM  

Wow - what great thoughts! I love when people are actually honest about their questions/struggles with their faith and their personal walk with the Lord. And not just honest with themselves about it, but also share that honesty with others. It inspires me to do the same and then to search myself and turn to the Lord to deal with it.

This topic is something that I have been trying to work through the past several years (you obviously know where it is coming from). That song you quoted has taken on a much greater meaning to me lately. I would love to discuss this further with you sometime during one of our phone chats!

one hot momma 7:08 AM  

suffering comes in many forms. I truly believe the struggle you're having with all of this IS your dose of personal suffering. We cannot compare our suffering to that of others because God knows us so intimately. Is this not urging you to seek Him? One thing I'm learning is that we need to learn to give ourselves some grace when it comes to this. Our suffering, no matter how small and unimportant it may seem to us, is still suffering. God is asking you to draw closer to Him, you're sensing this and you're working on it! He is PROUD of you! Ask Him to give you peace about your fears, worries and what if's, ask Him to help you let it go into His arms. It will take time, but it can happen! I'll be praying for you.

Jordan 10:57 AM  

God is very patient and gentle. I think He is tugging on your heart about this and asking you who you love most. Don't be afraid. He is good and He loves your whole family more than you do. He will give you the strength that you need for each day. I don't think that He is waiting to pounce on you and smite you, but that He is calling you to come closer and know Him better. I'm sorry for rambling on and on here on your blog. I hope that nothing I've said is offensive. I'm just trying to say that you don't have any reason to worry because no matter what God is good and He loves you and your family far more than anyone else does. And if something bad does happen, He will be there with you through it all.

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